A Big Big Day!

Today we decided that a nature walk was in order and that Mom and Dad needed to get out into the great outdoors.  Bob and Colleen came in the early evening and we drove to Hobble Creek Parkway and did a short nature walk.  Dad rode in the chair on the paved trail and Mom walked next to him, but after a while was using the chair a bit for balance.  Eventually we found a walking stick and that made a big difference for her.  We need to remember to bring a cane in the trunk for Mom.  I never thought of that until today. After a while Colleen walked with her and let her hold on to her arm.  I thought that was very sweet.  I would have offered, but having canceled my knee surgery, I'm not so stable myself!

So, the day started out with the aide coming to do Dad's shower.  She stayed a bit and ate a little breakfast and told us about essential oils.  There are some things we can do now to keep Dad's skin moist and protect it so that he has less of a chance of getting sores when he is less mobile.  I really appreciated her advice!

Right after the aide left, the physical therapist arrived and had Dad walking all around the downstairs.  He really was moving better today and communicating a little better, too.  The kids are getting good at helping Dad out the back door, around to the front door, up the stairlift and all the way to bed. Everyone gets frustrated when there is more than one person giving Dad instructions, so we need to remind each other to leave Dad alone if someone is already helping him.  It's kind of hard for some us to remember!  Because you care about him and you don't want anything to happen, and if you think you have a better way of doing something, you may lose control and say something, but really.  Everything does go better if one person owns it and everyone else takes a break.

It is so, so nice that there are five of us that can get him upstairs.  Sometimes I remind Mom that we will get him upstairs and she can take a break. It's a great chance for her to take care of herself. So, I think everyone will get some good sleep tonight after an exhausting day.  Dad finished up the evening watching a little college football on ESPN, we ready scriptures, and called it a day.

That's probably the most activity we've had for Dad in a day and Mom seemed real happy to have some action going on.  Maybe if there is enough action she can relax a bit?  My mom is a real mover.

Tomorrow, Eric will be here all day and will be able to take Mom to her dermatologist appointment.  That is a HUGE relief to me as my Tuesdays are so, so busy!  

Not so perky

Yesterday Dad was really quiet.  Not a lot of expression on his face, and he looked so, so tired. Mom decided that it was better for him to come down to breakfast in the morning than have me send it up.  I was sending it up on Monday, Wednesday and Friday because the breakfast is at 8:30 and the aid comes to do the shower at 9:30.  Yesterday was Thursday and he was down for breakfast for the second day in a row.  He wasn't responding to the simple questions I asked him and he only ate a little breakfast.

When it was time to get him up the stairs, things were a little shaky.  He can usually walk up the first four steps to my landing while holding on to the rail and with someone behind him, but each step seemed arduous.  He was slow to follow instructions for getting into the stairlift and I wondered if we were going to make it, but we did.  The nurse, Melissa, came later and Mom talked about him coming downstairs again, but I have never seen his eyes look so tired! His eyes looked really small, almost shrunken.  I convinced Mom that getting him out of bed when he was that tired was actually dangerous and that he had already had a lot of activity and she agreed after she looked at his face.

Again, later in the day, Eric had helped him come down and I was going to take him back upstairs and we got to the bottom of the staircase and he couldn't lift his leg to get his foot on the first step.  I felt his strength failing him and quickly pulled the walker over so he could sit on it instead of falling.  I realized in that moment how lucky we have been that he strong enough to transfer from bed to chair, chair to toilet, chair to stairlift, etc.

I was able to get him from walker to wheelchair, but it took him a while to understand everything I was asking him to do.  I wheeled him about the back door, up the sidewalk on the south side of the house and through the front door, the only path that bypasses the first four stairs of our split level staircase where no stairlift is installed yet (still waiting on our neighbor who was paid for installing both stairlifts two weeks ago).  Getting him from chair to stairlift so he could go the rest of the way upstairs took longer than ever, and again the transfer at the top to the other wheelchair, and the final transfer to his bed too a while.

Mireille was at the house working with me at the time and came upstairs to help as she could see we were struggling a bit.  Dad's face lit up when he saw Mireille and he said, "Mireille, did you hear about the pony that talked so softly?"  Mireille smiled and said, "Was he a little horse?" and Dad rolled his eyes playfully because Mireille had finished his joke.  He had perked up just a little bit, just in time for nap therapy.

Support and Thanks

My brother Eric has rearranged entire days of his life, actually almost everyday, every week, so he can be close by and available to help with Mom and Dad.  Who does that?

Tuesday morning, Dad was doing gymnastics and missed the landing after the last back handspring and landed on the floor. Actually, he was about to sit in a chair...that had wheels in it, and Mom didn't think it would move, but he missed the target when the chair moved and landed on the floor.  Noah ran downstairs to get me and I ran upstairs fearing the worst, but definitely not as panicked as the first time I saw him fall.  Just when I was thinking that I needed another person to help me lift him, Eric arrived.  Blessed relief! Dad hurt his knee and his back, but recovered nicely and was walking just fine with the walker by the end of the day.

Later my sister Patty came and not only helped us with everything, but she spent several hours talking me through a bunch of things.  I felt loved and supported.  What could have been an awful day ended up just fine.

My thoughts turn to Pam.  My last interaction with her was a little stressful.  She has carried the weight of this entire move and has spent hours upon hours, day after day, sorting through Mom and Dad's stuff at the other house.  Pam has lived far away during all the other moves Mom and Dad have had, and it is a HUGE to have her here now, for the biggest one.  It's the biggest one not because they have more stuff than ever, but because they need to get rid of more stuff than ever.  They have packed their lives and stuff  into one bedroom, a small office, and a few cupboards in a shared bathroom.  Lots of decisions have been made about their things and Pam was the right one to do it.  Just a few hours at the other house, for me, was WAY too stressful:

Pam:  Debbie, what about the things in this cupboard?  Is there anything you need in here?
Me: Uhhhhh...(while staring at the pans and containers Mom used all the time to make and deliver her famous pound cake).
Pam:  Are you OK? (She'd been making decisions like this all day long and I was hesitating.)
Debbie:  Well, there are two pans here that do exactly the same thing, and...
Pam:  Just take the best one.
Debbie: OK.  I think these are the things she would put them in to deliver the cakes...why are there so many? I guess if someone didn't bring one back, then...
Pam: Just take the best one.
Debbie: OK.   (Saying OK, but actually not able to think straight enough to match tops to bottoms to find a matching set, or determine which one was best.  Stress level rising...)
Pam:  OK, next cupboard.  Anything in here?
Debbie:  Umm...I'm not sure...I mean...
Pam:  Do you own Quiddler?  What? You don't? You're kidding!
Brooke:  That is the funnest game ever!  You've got to take that.
Debbie: OK. (Taking Quiddler)

All this to demonstrate the fact that I was useless.  Really, all I cared about was being able to play the piano that I had grown up playing.  All the rest was....aaah!  Thank heavens for Pam. And now I run the risk of forgetting somebody, but I will try anyway.  I am so thankful for:

Brooke who helped so much at the old house.
And Kellie for doing my dishes, planning out Sammy's room and the yummy peaches!
Jennifer for going with Mom to get more stuff, even though we didn't need more stuff and even though she was busy.
Anthony for installing the grab bar in the bathroom.
Dave Ruff for buying the chair lift and Deon, Justin and Kayden for bringing the final load over, the load that no one wanted to touch that was all the big furniture and the food storage.
Dave Steinberg for delivering the bed that my boys desperately needed and Natalie for installing it.
Liza who came and took Mom on errands and Doug who fixed my sprinkler, fixed little things here and there all around the house, and would have done anything else I asked.
Patty...where do I start.  So, so supportive to me and Mom and Dad.
Larry for answering every time I called and helping me think around road blocks and talk through problems.
Eric for doing the finances and being in the ring...continually.
Meggy for checking in constantly and worrying and loving from afar.  I promise to call you back!
Terri for checking in and making sure everything is all right.

My family is awesome.  We are headed for a wild ride, but with such amazing people in my court, I can do it!

Lesson Learned #1

I've always thought of myself as pretty tough mentally, not necessarily susceptible to the opinions of others.  But when your mother has something to say about the way you do things, and where things are falling short or need to be changed, you don't think, "Aw, she's just tired and stressed.  Deep down she knows I am doing my best and can improve over time."

Instead, because it is your mother, you think.  "I knew deep inside I was doing a lousy job!  It makes me upset to confront that right now." And then the defenses kick in.  It is not a good place to be.  Because your mom knows you, right?  She saw your little personality forming from the beginning and is a good judge of who you really are, right?  It is a small step to go from thinking the best about yourself to giving way to tiny seeds of doubt that are always floating around.

So, what have I learned?  Once the anger subsided, and I tried to read my scriptures, my mind too
 busy to absorb the words on the page, a simple thought crossed my mind.  "This is what it feel like when your mom is critical of you."  Boy, I haven't felt that yucky for a long time, and my mind went to my kids.

My kids.
How must they feel where their mom is critical of them?
Not big things,  I make sure to not attack their very core, but when I stop to think, all the little things I correct them on all the time were similar to the things MY mom was saying to me.  And every single one of those things made me feel a little smaller.

Mom apologized to me immediately, but it took me a little longer to be OK with it.  She asked me to erase everything she said and I told her it was too late, I had already written everything down.  But after reflecting on how I talk to my own kids, how can I not forgive her?  It's something that I need forgiveness for myself.

If no one is ever critical of you, how can you EVER have enough compassion to know what someone feels like who has been criticized? This experience is probably a blessing to me.  I spent the entire day yesterday NOT being critical to my own kids.  And it was a much better day.

Stake Conference and Elder Ballard

Yesterday and today at Stake Conference we had the privilege of hearing from Elder Ballard.  I think it is a tender mercy that Mom and Dad got to attend this special conference on their second Sunday here, as Elder Ballard and Dad are friends.

After the adult session last night, I wheeled Dad to the front as quickly as I could, but saw in the distance that Elder Ballard was whisked out the door at the front of the chapel.  We went outside to see if we could catch a glimpse, but to no avail.

Truly, we should have gotten there earlier and found a suitable place near the front.  Since we are new to the whole wheel-chair thing, it didn't occur to me that there would really be no where to sit!  We narrowly made it down the outside aisle in the gym, removed a few chairs to make a space for the wheelchair and were pretty far back.  Despite our best laid plans (ex: "Mom, how about you lay out Dad's clothes and Lars can help him get dressed?  Then I'll run around with my head cut off because I keep forgetting that I need to get ready, too."), we seem to keep making a grand entrance after the meeting starts.

Dad was already shaved, as reported by Mom, but apparently the shave wasn't close enough for Lars who was shaving him again.  He really did look great after the closer shave.  So, even though we literally live in the church parking lot, we are continually and hurriedly running over to the church several minutes later than planned.

Fast forward to this morning for the main session of conference.  I thought I was on top of my game as I completed whole wheat pancakes and spinach omelets and put not one, but TWO roasts in the crock pot with potatoes and carrots.  All the while I imagined Lars upstairs finishing his morning preparations and soon helping Mom and Dad down the stair lift and across the street.  Perfect, I thought.  I was running late, but surely everyone else could head out and save a seat for me, I thought.  Crock pot turned on, I skipped up the steps to check on Mom and Dad.  Mom was just getting dressed and Dad was...not quite ready.  Then I went to my room and learned that Lars hadn't even had his shower yet.  Yikes!  We were all going to be late again!

After a short melt down and regrouping, everyone was showered and heading out.  We missed the prelude music that was done by the youth choir that three of our children were singing in, but we were in time to sit in the Relief Society room, and thankfully, the center aisle was super wide, making it easy to just park Dad next to an aisle seat and have Mom sit next to him.  Lars and I sat right behind.

I felt a little weepy as the stress of just getting there was replaced with a sweet spirit of our beautiful chapel, augmented by the spirit accompanying an apostle of the Lord in the next room.  It was a wonderful conference.

As the youth sang the closing song, Lars encouraged me to wheel Dad over by the chapel so that he could really hear the choir instead of listening through the sound system as it was broadcasted.  I'm glad I did.  The sound was much better and it was an amazing thing to see my kids sitting so close to Elder Ballard.  After the meeting ended, they each got to shake his hand as they passed by him to get off the stand.  Being in the doorway, also put me in a better position to get Dad to Elder Ballard.  This time, he was not making a quick exit, but was staying to shake hands.  I wheeled Dad around the outside to the front door of the chapel, with Mom right behind.  Finally, I knew that I was in Elder Ballard's path should he make a quick exit.

Finally, there was a lull, and I pushed Dad toward President Oldroyd, who shook Dad's hand and stepped back so that Elder Ballard could see him.  "Elder Ballard," said President Oldroyd, "this is Howard Ruff."  A wave of recognition passed over the apostle's face and he said, "Well, I know Howard!  We go way back.  Hello old friend."  I couldn't hear everything that Dad said to him, but the next thing Elder Ballard said that I heard was, "Howard, you and I are old warriors."  I was then able to shake his hand and thanked him for helping my dad when he needed help.  Elder Ballard was so gracious and it was a wonderful experience.  On the way home I asked Dad what he thought. His lip quivered and he didn't speak for a moment.  Then he said, "He remembered me."  What a blessing that all 8 of us got to shake Elder Ballard's hand.  What a precious memory.

My home, the hub

Eric and Janine came over today to talk about several things, but one thing in particular is going to be really great.  Eric needs a place to work during during the day as he is working on some programming for a new business he is developing.  He offered to work here at my house and at the same time be available for whatever Mom and Dad need.  Wow!  That will be such a huge help!

If it turns out that Eric can actually get some work done and help at the same time, it will be a win-win. Additionally, he and Janine are down to one car and we now have too many in the driveway. So, Eric could get here on Monday and take Mom & Dad's car back and forth during the week and it would still be in the driveway if Mom needed it for anything.

I need to get used to things working out, just so.  It has happened this way since the moment that we invited Mom and Dad to come live in our home. Feeling very blessed...

90% There

On Monday of this week, we moved Mom into my home. In the weeks leading up to the move, things got crazier and crazier.  Not only were we emptying the two rooms in the house that contained the most storage and therefore had the most stuff, but critical decisions regarding Mom & Dad and their future and their care were being made...and changed daily.

Coming from a family of 14 children, all extremely intelligent and opinionated and passionate in their own right, each decision brought forward for consideration was subject and will continue to be subject to the strong opinions of the people who care about Mom & Dad the most.  This is how it should be!  But about a week into our decision to have Mom & Dad move in, I realized that continuing to juggle my own life while preparing my home for them, made it close to impossible to report to everyone all the little details.  The details changed daily anyway!

I finally had to make a decision to let everyone else hash out how things could go on the conference calls, get the great ideas later, and actually implement only the things that would work fantastically for me and Mom.  Feeling a little freer to not answer my phone 30 times a day, I continued to work to prepare everyone to combine two households.

With the exception of just a few more boxes, we've got most of their stuff and were able to move Dad in on Wednesday.  Thank heavens for Pam who is managing on the packing and sorting and cleaning on the other end.  This could not have happened without her.  And Brooke.  And Jennnifer.  And Patty. And everyone!

Imagine going from 14,000 square feet, to 10,000 square feet, to 5,000 square feet to 3,000 square feet, to 1800 square feet, to about...500 square feet.  That is what my Mom & Dad have done.  With amazing attitudes and open minds.  They are blessing my life already.